Interview
by constantlearner
Summary: A would-be jouralist interviews the fanfictional Swallows and Amazons in a fanfictional version of the "BookWorld" from the Thursday Next books by Jasper Fforde. Doesn't exactly contain characters by Jasper Fforde, although Mrs Tiggywinkle does appear as a Jurisfiction agent and therefore mostly as the Jasper Fforde version of herself. Posted for April Fools' Day.


**Interview**

**Author's note – **_The only things in this that are mine are a few childhood memories. (And the mishearing virus – which might have a passing resemblance to the chickenpox/shingles virus). I'm not posting this as a cross-over because that would get too complicated. I hope I have not offended anyone – if I have please let me know and I will do my best to put it right. Similarly if there is anything I can explain which might add to your enjoyment – please ask._

_I really am very grateful indeed for the really excellent care I have received from a number of doctors, nurses and physiotherapists over the last eighteen months, beginning with my own GP._

_Many thanks to those authors who kindly let the Swallows and Amazons pass comment on them and encouraged me. _

Interviews in Bookworld are always … different. Illusional. Interviews taking place on the fanfiction peninsula are doubly so. I intended the interview to take place at lunchtime. I had already had one brush with the mishearing virus. My GP had done a great job with a mixture of antivirals and steroids, but there were still a few lingering side-effects. The illusional/allusional confusion was one of them. When she heard that I had read the Hitchhiker's Guide within the last week, my chaperone vetoed a lunchtime meeting. "Perception is far more important here." she explained, "What you, a reader, understand can curve reality, just as gravity bends space/time. What with time being an illusion, lunchtime doubly so and then doubling it again because of where we are.."

I was happy to comply with her wishes. It is of course an immense privilege to be chaperoned by Mrs. Tiggywinkle. She is in the fo'scle of the houseboat now, apparently ironing. I always thought that James Turner (alias Uncle Jim, alias Captain Flint) took his washing to Beckfoot. I evidently thought wrong. The houseboat is moored off the Fanfiction peninsula, but from inside the cabin the windows look out onto a Lake. It may have been Coniston; it may have been Windermere; to me it looks a little like Derwent Water and Wastwater. One of the trees on the nearer shore, a sycamore, seems familiar. It looks like the tree that my brother and I had tried and failed to build a tree house in as children. Being too young to be allowed to borrow tools had not helped. I know that beneath it is a fireplace, lovingly set up and unlit. I was not allowed to use matches until two or three years later.

"You read these books as quite a young child?" Mrs Tiggywinkle makes it half a statement, half a question.

I nod. "Six and a half when I started reading Swallows and Amazons with my Mother."

"Children always leave something of themselves behind. The more it matters to them, the more they leave. When I took you to the Hundred Acre Wood to interview Owl I had never seen him look like that before."

"Really? Funnily enough, he looked exactly as I expected him too." Owl had looked exactly like the illustrations of an eagle-owl in one of my father's bird books – the book that was so big it had to go on the bottom shelf of the book-case.

Mrs Tiggywinkle gives the slight wrinkling of her snout that does duty as a gentle smile.

"That's exactly what I mean."

"How does he usually look?"

"More… stuffed. Although I have to say I think E.H. Sheppard did well by them. Still," she continues, looking perhaps a little complacent, "I always think there's nothing like being illustrated by you own author. Some authors allow rather more leeway for the imagination than others."

Since Mrs Tiggywinkle _does _look exactly like the illustrations in her book, I am left in very little doubt about her opinion of "leeway".

There are a two very slight bumps on the side of the houseboat and a shout of "houseboat ahoy". A minute or so later the houseboat seems very crowded with six children aged between seven and perhaps thirteen. After my conversation with Mrs Tiggywinkle, I am not surprised to find the Walkers and the Blacketts look exactly as I imagined and are at the same ages as when I first met them. At first, conversation is general. They happily tell me that they sailed _Swallow _and _Amazon _around the nearby island of "School Essay" that morning.

"Holidays tasks - have to be done somehow." Peggy explains.

"Tomorrow we could sail round Pirate Island." Nancy suggests.

"We could sail under the Abridged Bridge, and along the coast to Marine island." suggests John. "If we started early and had a good wind, I'm sure we could get as far as Cape Hornblower."

"That way we'd sail past aviation." Roger says.

"We aren't allowed to land anywhere." Titty explains, "because we're fanfictional. We can just sail past and imagine.

"Do you think we could get as far as the coast of Spy?" Nancy asks. Anyone who does not know she is an Amazon pirate might think she sounds a little wistful.

Susan looks uncomfortable and rubbed her arm as if it hurts her. Roger suddenly looks about seventeen.

"If you're going to do that sort of thing again, can you leave us out of it? Or just be soppy without all the "intelligence stuff"? Constantlearner did give Susie a perfectly rotten time." he says. "It isn't even as if s/he wrote her very well."

And suddenly the interview seems to have started. By some sort of common consent the two Captains have been left facing me across the table and have aged to about eighteen themselves.

"It depends a little on who is writing us and who is reading us at the time." Nancy explains.

"Even thinking about us can have an effect." John adds. "Dick had Dorothea test it out. Just thinking doesn't really have much effect, but when she thought it out in words as if she was going to write it down it does start to alter things."

"Some of which can be quite fun." Nancy grins at him.

"And some isn't." John finishes. "Especially for Dick himself. Every time someone with an especially vivid imagination reads our wedding – the Constantlearner version - he ages to his mid-eighties and dies, usually right in front of Titty."

"He says it's very nearly painless."

"Titty still gets very upset. I'm not at all fond of _that_ writer."

"Could be worse." Mrs Tiggywinkle calls from the fo'csle.

John leans across the table, now in his early twenties. "She can be a little biased. Any mention of hedgehogs will do to get on her good side. _That_ fan-fiction author gives Nancy a pretty beastly time as a kid and what she did to poor Bridget with that telegram! Dorothea has every reason to loathe her too."

"I think part of the problem was that Gerry's own author kills him off, in letters or something." Susan comes in with three steaming mugs of tea and puts them down in front of us.

"Why s/he couldn't just let Dot end up with Tom like everyone else, I don't know." says John. Susan gives him a slap on the back of the head.

"Oh come on, Susan, that way you'll end up with Jim Brading." Nancy says. Peggy, coming in with a plate of buns, slaps her sister on the back of the head.

Nancy sighs. "Someone's reading this and watching NCIS at the same time, aren't they?"

"How do you know about television?" I ask curiously.

"Anachronisms and linkages." says John. "If an author makes a reference to something that doesn't exist in the 1930's we get a sort of window onto other stories with the same items in. Again, it was Dick who worked out how that worked. We think it's to do with a shortage of actual physical items. Even on the mainland* they have to move pianos around quite a bit."

"Giraffes4ever has been quite useful."

"So you like being written by her?" I ask. It feels as if the captains are rather more in charge of the interview than I am. I suspect this would happen whatever age they are. I must have blinked or looked away because when I look back they are in their mid-teens and sitting with their arms around each other with that mixture of awe and self-consciousness that suggests that can't quite believe their amazing luck in having their feelings reciprocated. It all feels suddenly, heart-wrenchingly real.

They exchange glances. "Yes." They both say together. "She's wonderful fun, although we have been wondering why Nancy fainted."

Just saying it is enough. John tenderly lowers Nancy's head to the table.

"Don't think about Nancy fainting and she'll be alright." His voice is low and calm, but I know I would be foolish to get on John Walker's wrong side. This might be a good time to ask him a question I'd rather not have Nancy hear.

"What do you think about the stories that have you ending up with Peggy?"

"Considering how much I obsess over Nancy in the actual books? Surprising and sometimes upsetting. Of course when I'm actually being written or read in those stories, I think they're fine. But going from one to the other always leaves me feeling very guilty." A brief smile flickers across his face which is suddenly a decade older. "And I do miss the children of course."

"Children?"

"Our children. Nancy's and mine. Nan and Teddy – or Jane, Julia and Robert. Depends whose fiction you are reading."

I think about this. I thought I had done my research for the interview carefully. It was only my second interview. My third "proper" piece, if you counted the article I had written for Spongg's footcare ***** (and a friend had optimised that for the imagino-transfer engines).

"Nan and Teddy I remember. Jane too. Who are Julia and Robert?"

Was John Walker, Captain of the Swallow, suffering from a mindworm **?

He grins at me, eyes almost twinkling. He seems fine. "Names in author's notes? Perhaps they're part of a deleted story somewhere? I'm sure they'll turn up in their own good time."

"Robert was Nancy's father." I'm quite proud of the extra research I put in. "But why Julia?"

"Apparently I just like the name?" John sounds uncertain, shrugs and then continues, "What really surprises me is that Nancy doesn't get paired off with other people more often." He looks down at Nancy's red knitted cap affectionately. "I suppose it's just the lack of other male characters of the right age."

"Except Ian McGinty." Nancy murmurs. She still sounds a little shaky.

"Nancy!" he sounds genuinely shocked. "I didn't know about this."

"Only some letters."

"Well, I don't mind you writing to him."

"It wasn't me writing to him. The story is in letters – ages ago. I'd forgotten about it really. Letters hand-written between two university students."

"What happens? Can you remember any more? Where are the letters? Handwritten you say***?" John is intent, focused, evidently making plans. Surely he can't be planning some sort of raid on Outland? Nancy is sitting up, eyes sparkling. He doesn't need to explain his plan to her.

"Only one of the girls kept them. A4 lined paper. Cheap. Early recycled, I think. In a file in the attic somewhere." She drops her voice and glances towards Mrs Tiggywinkle, who is, after all a notable Jursifiction agent. "But John, if we do go to the Outland ever, let's not bother about that. I do end up with you although I'm not sure how – that letter is missing. What we could do is" Mrs Tiggywinkle comes into the main cabin with a neatly folded pile of linen. Nancy doesn't miss a beat as she carries on, "Go through your list of prepared questions. I'm sure you have one."

"Which author do you most like being written by, and why?" My voice sounds much less natural than Nancy's. I'm a real Outlander and she isn't even the canon Nancy. Fanfiction characters are always regarded as less well rounded than the "originals". That really tells you what Nancy Blackett is like.

"Rose and Psyche." She replies firmly. "I get to marry John in the end; Father is alive after all; Mother is happy and we get to travel and have adventures."

"We do have to put up with the Great Aunt a fair bit." Peggy adds, coming back into the cabin. "And I don't think Nancy liked all the shopping and clothes, but really it_ was_ fun having all that money and travelling in such style, and meeting Port and Starboard."

"Actually, I didn't mind the clothes."

Peggy looks at her sister in surprise. Nancy pauses for a moment and then tries to explain. Clothes in Bookworld are only described in enough detail for the plot – at least in most genres. There are exceptions. Many characters, especially the minor ones, have only one set of clothes with no fastenings.

"You know when you're being written by someone who writes really well? Jenn Calaelen for example, although she's not the only one. Well the clothes from Paris felt like that. Everything fits and works and the seams aren't itchy or twisted and things are the right length and the fastenings worked smoothly on the clothes. Being well-dressed turns out to feel a bit like being really well-written."

Peggy nods vigorously. "Yes, it does."

"I wonder if they make "comfortables" as well at these places?"

"Um, I don't think so." I say.

"Having my own aeroplane was pretty good." Roger says. "They don't seem to give our sisters such a good time though."

"They haven't done too badly by me. They're not as unsettling as some authors. Suddenly being at a different school, having to stay over the Christmas holidays and kissing Peggy _was_ a bit of a shock." says Titty.

John nods. "I rather liked shoving Taylor's face in the porridge. It's nice to be out of character for once."

Was that Roger murmuring "not that far out of character"? Susan and Peggy look at each other hastily, and then away, blushing. I clear my throat and ask about their least favourite fanfiction authors.

"We don't have a lot of the problems they have in some of the larger fandoms." says Susan. She catches my eye, clearly reluctant to say more with Roger and Titty present.

"And virtually everyone can write pretty well." Peggy agrees. "You get the odd typo."

"And the one who doesn't know much about sailing." says John.

"To be fair, those who don't generally manage to avoid too much detail." Titty says. "And at least one of them does get books out of the library and read up on it when she can."

"How do you know?" Nancy asks.

"Read their private messages. All the conversations I was mentioned in, anyhow."

"Titty, I'm sure you aren't meant to do that." says Susan. Meanwhile Nancy's face has gone curiously blank.

"I like sailing detail. And naval details." John objects.

"Of course sometimes the well-written ones are the worse in a way." says Titty, with a rather anxious glance at Nancy, who seems to be with us again and now seems a little happier

"We don't mention _that_ one." Susan says glancing anxiously from Peggy to Nancy and back again. She has plainly headed off all too many storms of tears and recriminations before. She moves firmly to head off another one. When a first person narrator "mind-reads" it is generally consider sloppy writing, but it can be very useful for an interviewer. Mrs Tiggywinkle guesses what I'm up to and shoot a sour look at me. I stop at once.

"Apart from the one who has been so beastly to Dot?" Titty asks.

"Nancy's pretty angry with Fergus Mason." Peggy says.

"I really liked him at first," says Nancy. "and actually…"

"You really shouldn't read other people's private correspondence let alone discuss it." Susan evidently feels strongly about this.

"We're Amazon pirates. We have to be ruthless sometimes, especially Nancy." Peggy replies.

"Actually, I wasn't going to." Nancy grins impishly and continues, "Spoilers."

"I hope you haven't been watching Doctor Who again, young lady." Nancy is pretty much irrepressible, but everyone respects a nearly-six-foot hedgehog, especially in a confined space.

"It's when authors go and get "wartime-ish" you have to watch out for them." Titty explains.

"So you don't like WW2 stories?" I want to get this clear.

"WW2 stories can be fine." says Roger, now in his early twenties and wearing air-force blue. "Adventure, doing the right thing, being a hero, or even just joining up can all be fine. Of course there are a few sticky moments – I've certainly had some, but with a one-shot story you generally know you're going to be OK."

"That's why we have the word "wartime-ish" as well." Titty takes over the explanation smoothly from her brother. "It's when they make it very grim and realistic and you feel that things aren't going be alright in the end and you know some of the things really are real. And of course in a multi-chapter story you can be waiting for quite a while."

"And the more realistic it is the w- w- worse it gets." Seeing Nancy Blackett in tears just seems wrong to me.

"Anachronistic language use." Titty mutters a warning to me, glancing towards Mrs Tiggywinkle.

"Doesn't matter – it's only an interview - no-one's meant to believe it." say Roger airily.

Mrs Tiggywinkle puts the last of the folded washing down on the long settee and holds her paw out, ready to take me on the bookjump home to the Outland****. Sound faded before vision. Since my bout of the mishearing virus, I have discovered I have a patchy ability to lip-read. As I faded away from Bookworld I think I saw John say to Nancy "I don't want to worry you too much, but I think we're being written with an "M" rating – a real one this time."

**Footnotes**

*Fiction island – thinking of it as the "canon" or "proper" part of the fictional bookworld might help.

** An mindworm is a sort of fictional device that can cause someone to think that …If you haven't already read the Thursday Next books it might be unfair to explain. Better just read them if you haven't already.

*** Destroying the only copy of something has rather final consequences. (See _Well of Lost plots_)

**** Thinking of the "the Outland" as the real world may help – although I find it doesn't usually.

***** In the Jack Spratt books.


End file.
